“Why does love feel like work instead of joy?”

General

That’s the question, isn’t it? A quiet whisper that grows louder when the romance feels more like a checklist and less like the butterflies we were promised. It’s not just you. We’ve all been there, sitting across from someone we adore, wondering why it feels like pushing a boulder uphill instead of gliding on air. Love, the thing we thought would come naturally, suddenly feels like effort—and not the good kind.

But what if we’re asking the wrong question? What if love isn’t broken, and neither are we? What if we’ve just forgotten what love really is?

The Myth of Effortless Love

Let’s rewind a bit. From the moment we first watched a Disney movie or read a fairytale, we were sold a very specific version of love. It’s supposed to feel like magic, right? A perpetual state of giddiness, complete with grand gestures and a soundtrack swelling in the background. But here’s the kicker: those stories end at “happily ever after.” Nobody shows you what happens when Prince Charming forgets to take out the trash or Cinderella starts resenting his obsession with polishing boots.

Love, as we’re sold, is effortless. Reality, though? It’s nuanced, messy, and yes—work. But let’s clarify something: work doesn’t have to mean drudgery. It can mean growth, curiosity, and even play. Think of love like a garden. You don’t plant seeds and expect a lush, blooming paradise overnight. You water it, weed it, and sometimes pull out dead things to make room for new growth. Hard? Maybe. Worth it? Always.

Is It Love, or Are You Just Tired?

Here’s a truth bomb: sometimes, love feels like work because we’re exhausted. Modern life demands so much from us—jobs, social obligations, endless scrolling on Instagram—that it’s no wonder relationships start to feel like another chore on the to-do list. You come home after a long day, and instead of feeling joy, you’re irritated that your partner didn’t notice the dishes in the sink. Sound familiar?

The problem isn’t necessarily the relationship. Sometimes, it’s the fact that we’re running on empty. When we’re mentally or emotionally drained, even the simplest acts of love can feel Herculean. This isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about recognizing that self-care isn’t selfish. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t nurture love if you’re barely holding it together yourself.

What Did You Expect?

Expectations. They’re sneaky little devils, aren’t they? One of the biggest reasons love feels like work is because it’s not living up to what we thought it would be. Maybe we thought our partner would always understand us without explanation. Or that they’d be the kind of person who never forgets an anniversary. Or maybe we thought the spark would last forever without effort.

But here’s the truth: unmet expectations don’t mean your relationship is doomed. They mean you’re human. It’s okay to feel disappointed sometimes. What matters is what you do with that feeling. Do you hold onto it like a grudge, or do you let it spark a conversation about what you both need?

Love isn’t a movie script; it’s improv. And yeah, sometimes it goes off the rails, but that’s where the real magic happens—in the unscripted moments where you choose each other anyway.

The Danger of Scorekeeping

Ah, scorekeeping. It’s the silent killer of joy in relationships. You know what I’m talking about: “I did the dishes last night; it’s your turn.” Or, “I always plan date nights; why don’t you ever make an effort?” When love starts to feel transactional, it stops feeling like love.

Here’s the thing: relationships aren’t about keeping the scales perfectly balanced. They’re about ebb and flow. Some days, one person gives more. Other days, the roles reverse. And that’s okay. What matters is the overall rhythm—are you both showing up for each other, even if it doesn’t always look equal in the moment?

Actionable Insights for Rekindling Joy

Feeling a little overwhelmed? Let’s bring it back to basics. Here are some ideas to help you move from “love feels like work” to “love feels like a partnership”:

Rediscover Playfulness
When was the last time you laughed together? Not the polite kind of laugh, but the belly-aching, can’t-breathe kind? Joy often hides in the simplest things—a silly game, an inside joke, or even a ridiculous dance-off in the living room.
Schedule Time for Each Other
Yes, it sounds boring, but hear me out. Life gets busy, and love gets squeezed out if you’re not intentional. Set aside time, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day, to connect—no phones, no distractions.
Communicate Without Defending
If something feels off, talk about it. Not in a way that blames or accuses, but in a way that invites understanding. “I feel disconnected lately” is a lot softer than “You never pay attention to me.”
Celebrate the Small Wins
Love isn’t just the big milestones. It’s in the everyday victories—the way your partner remembers how you like your coffee or the way you always save them the last piece of pizza. Notice those moments. They matter.
Get Curious
When love feels stale, it’s often because we’ve stopped being curious. Ask your partner a question you’ve never asked before. What’s their biggest fear? What’s one thing they’ve never told anyone? Curiosity breathes life back into relationships.

When Love Asks More of Us

Sometimes, love feeling like work isn’t a sign that it’s wrong—it’s a sign that it’s asking us to grow. Maybe it’s teaching us patience or empathy. Maybe it’s showing us how to navigate conflict without losing ourselves. Maybe it’s revealing parts of us that we didn’t even know needed healing.

The truth is, love isn’t just about feeling good. It’s about becoming better—together. And yes, that’s work. But it’s the kind of work that shapes us into people who can love more deeply, live more fully, and find joy even in the messy, imperfect moments.

So, why does love feel like work instead of joy? Maybe because we’ve been taught to see work and joy as opposites when they’re really just two sides of the same coin. The work is the joy—the tending, the growing, the choosing.

The next time you feel like love is too much effort, ask yourself this: What kind of garden do I want to grow? And am I willing to get my hands dirty to make it beautiful?

Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about finding perfection. It’s about finding beauty in the work—and realizing that the joy was there all along, waiting for you to notice.